What is gaslighting: Ever had that one person in your life who just drives you up the wall? You know, the type that leaves you scratching your head after every conversation, wondering what just happened to your thoughts and beliefs? Or maybe you’ve got someone who somehow manages to make you feel like a crumpled piece of paper after each chat, and you’re left wondering, “What’s up with that?” Now, this person’s impact on you might be as clear as day or sneakier than a ninja.
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They might be the human equivalent of a horror movie, making your heart race for all the wrong reasons. Or, as you read this post, you might suddenly realize that a certain someone in your life has been sneakily sowing self-doubt in your mind – and you hadn’t even connected the dots till now. Gaslighting, my friend, can take on all these forms.
So, let’s take a plunge into the world of gaslighting – what it is, those telltale signs you should never ignore, and, yep, some real-life examples. Armed with this know-how, you’ll be ready to tackle any gaslighting that comes your way like a pro. Let’s dive in!
What is Gaslighting?
Psychoanalyst Babita Spinelli, L.P., breaks it down for us, “Gaslighting is when someone (the gaslighter) brushes off your version of reality, leaving you to wonder if you’ve lost your grip on what’s real”.
Think about it this way—therapist Aki Rosenberg, LMFT, once said that gaslighting is all about power and control. The gaslighter wants to stay in the spotlight of “rightness” while pushing their partner into the shadows of “wrongness.”
Why Is It Called Gaslighting?
The term “gaslighting” might sound like it’s from a sci-fi movie, but it actually comes from a 1938 play called Gas Light. They even made it into a movie in 1940 and another in 1944. In these films, a crafty husband makes his wife believe she’s seeing things that aren’t there—like the dimming of the gas lights. He basically tries to convince her she’s losing her mind. It’s like a real-life illusionist trick but with serious consequences.
But here’s the kicker: not all gaslighters are evil masterminds like the movie Husband. Some might not even realize they’re doing it (though that doesn’t make it okay).
Signs of Gaslighting
- Denying Reality: They say things didn’t happen, making you doubt what you remember.
- Giving Wrong Info: They tell you things that aren’t true to confuse you.
- Making You Feel Unsure: They criticize you a lot, making you doubt yourself and rely on them.
- Blaming You for Their Actions: They say you’re doing things they’re actually doing, to avoid getting caught.
- Keeping You Alone: They make you cut ties with friends or family, so they have more control over you.
Who Is Likely To Gaslight?
Today, gaslighting is like playing mind games that mess with someone’s sense of reality. It’s like turning their world into a funhouse mirror, distorting what they see, remember, think, and feel. And guess what? The endgame is pretty sad: the person being gaslit starts to doubt everything they think, feel, or see. They become like puppets, dancing to the gaslighter’s tune.
Imagine this: you’re in a power-packed situation where someone seems to have all the control. Maybe it’s a friend, a partner, or even a family member. They might not be doing it on purpose, and they might not even be mean-spirited about it. But guess what? They’ve got such a hold over you that you’re actually scared to do anything that might upset the apple cart of your relationship.
“Why?” you ask. Well, it’s like this: the mere thought of shaking things up or challenging the status quo could mean risking that entire connection. You might even fear that if you don’t match up to their expectations, they’ll see you as less amazing than you truly are. So, you’re caught in this tricky web, and it’s not a comfortable place to be.
Now, the person pulling the strings – the gaslighter – might not even be aware they’re doing it. It’s not a matter of them scheming up evil plans. Nope, not at all. Sometimes, their own life journey has shaped them in such a way that they genuinely believe they’re right, and anyone who doesn’t see things their way must be in the wrong. What led them to be this way, you may wonder.
- Upbringing: Those who grew up in environments where manipulation and control were prevalent might learn to use gaslighting as a way to maintain power and dominance.
- Past Trauma: Individuals who have experienced trauma themselves might unknowingly use gaslighting as a defense mechanism. This could be a way for them to avoid facing their own pain by deflecting attention onto others.
- Insecurity: People struggling with deep-seated insecurities might employ gaslighting to protect their fragile self-esteem. By making others doubt themselves, they can feel a false sense of superiority.
- Control Issues: Individuals who have a strong need for control over others might resort to gaslighting to maintain their authority. By distorting reality, they can manipulate people into submission.
- Environmental Influence: Being surrounded by a culture that normalizes manipulation and power struggles can influence someone to adopt gaslighting as a communication style without even realizing it.
- Lack of Empathy: Those who lack empathy for others may engage in gaslighting without understanding the emotional harm it causes. Their focus on personal gain overshadows their consideration of others’ feelings.
- Other Personality Traits: Certain personality traits, such as narcissism or manipulativeness, Poor communication skills, or a lack of conflict resolution strategies, can predispose individuals to engage in gaslighting.
Examples of Gaslighting
After you know what is gaslighting, you would definitely urge for an example. Gaslighting isn’t just about flickering lights and old horror movies. It’s when someone tries to mess with your head by hiding the truth, distorting facts, and making you doubt your own sanity.
Gaslighting in the Workplace
Here’s a scenario: your work partner drops the ball on a project, and it’s throwing off your groove. You gather the courage to talk about it, but their responses might give you a hint that gaslighting is in the mix.
- The Liar: “Oh, I totally sent you that report. Maybe your inbox’s playing hide and seek?”
- The Redirect Master: “I think someone else on the team was handling that. Are you sure you remember who you asked?”
- Mr. Denial: “Nope, that wasn’t on my plate. I’d have it on my to-do list, but look, nada!”
- Silent Signals: Ever had someone give you the side-eye, sigh loudly, or roll their eyes but pretend they didn’t? Yeah, that’s a classic gaslighting move too.
Gaslighting in Romantic Relationships
What is gaslighting in romantic relationship? Researchers have discovered that gaslighting tends to pop up more often in heterosexual relationships, where guys sometimes pull the strings. For instance, a guy might play into old-school stereotypes, like labeling women as “overly emotional” or saying they “can’t make up their minds.” It’s like they’re twisting things to make their partner doubt their own reality.
A study by the National Domestic Violence Hotline also found that 74% of adult females who’ve been through domestic violence have also faced gaslighting from their partner or ex-partner. That’s a red flag that we should all be aware of.
Gaslighting and Race
For example, someone might brush off someone else’s experiences of racial microaggressions with a dismissive, “Oh, that wasn’t about race. You’re totally overreacting.” Yeah, not cool at all.
Gaslighting in Medicine
Picture this: you’re visiting your doctor, sharing your concerns about how you’ve been feeling. But instead of being heard and understood, you’re met with skepticism. This happens to some women when their doctors brush off their worries as mere overreactions. It’s like they’re using an old, not-so-great stereotype that women are overly emotional or irrational. This can make you doubt your own body and mind, leaving you feeling frustrated and unheard.
Gaslighting in Politics
Imagine a politician brushing off their mistakes or pointing fingers at opponents instead of owning up. They might even stir up controversies to distract you from what really matters. And since they’ve got the spotlight, their manipulation can easily sway a crowd. Guess what? You encountered political gaslighting.
Gaslighting in the Legal System
Think child custody battles and sexual assault cases. It’s like a trap, leaving victims vulnerable and discrediting their voices. Even well-intentioned police officers, judges, and juries can unwittingly become accomplices in this manipulation.
Gaslighting of Transgender People
Imagine someone trying to tell you who you are or who you should be. Not cool, right? For transgender individuals, this can be a real struggle. Some people might try to convince them that something’s wrong with their feelings or identity. That’s like telling a square peg it should fit into a round hole – it just doesn’t work. Even in smaller ways, like a parent suggesting different clothes for comfort, it can make someone doubt their choices.
Gaslighting on Social Media
Imagine seeing a post by a famous person or just someone random on your feed that makes you question things you’ve always believed in. This can happen to women collectively – those little seeds of doubt planted by someone’s words. Suddenly, you’re wondering, “Am I overthinking this?” or “Is my perspective way off?” It’s like a whirlwind of confusion that can mess with your confidence.
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Conclusion
So, if you’ve ever felt like you’re caught up in someone else’s version of reality, take a moment to pause. Consider where your viewpoint comes from, and don’t be afraid to express it. And hey, if you’re on the other side and you’ve unintentionally got someone caught in your gaslighting spotlight, it’s time to broaden your horizons and embrace the beauty of diverse perspectives.
Remember, it’s not about pointing fingers or assigning blame. It’s about understanding, growth, and the colorful tapestry of thoughts that make our world so wonderfully complex. Until next time, keep those perspectives wide and those conversations open!
FAQs- What is Gaslighting?
1. Can you provide an example of gaslighting?
Like telling someone, “You’re too sensitive; I never said that,” to make them doubt their memory.
2. What does it mean to gaslight someone?
Is it about distorting facts and making them question their thoughts and feelings?
3. Can you explain the four types of gaslighting?
1. Withholding Information
2. Countering Reality
3. Trivializing Feelings
4. Blocking/Supporting Perceptions